I have this irrational fear that when it comes time for a meal, I won't have anything to eat.
At the risk of overanalyzing, I think this is because...
1. If I go to a restaurant, I can't communicate what I want. This is because I usually don't know what the options are since most menus don't have English. Even if I can figure out the options, I don't know how to say which one I want. You might think that a pictorial menu would solve this problem. However, once when I pointed to a soup on menu of this variety, three separate waitresses came to the table to ask me if I was sure I really wanted that dish. I was unmoved, and I later regretted it. It was super spicy and didn't fill me up at all.
2. If I eat at home, I have to think of what I'm going to make, shop for the ingredients, and assemble them successfully. This was often challenging even in my home country on familiar grocery-store and kitchen-utensil territory. Here it is more complicated. Grocery shopping involves a sweaty bike ride, at least two shops and their keepers, identifying foods that are less than self-explanatory, and bumbling through bargaining and purchases with no functional Thai or Burmese language skills. And then I come home to attempt food preparation in my kitchen, which until recently did not include an oven, mixing bowl, seasonings, or plates.
When I accomplish a delicious, inexpensive, healthy meal using either of these methods, I am so relieved. Then I remember that another meal is always on the horizon. And the stress-o-meter starts going up again.
(A caveat - breakfasts are easy, and I usually order lunch at the office on a menu that includes English.)
I was talking with a friend the other day, and I actually said the words, "I am worried about what I will eat." Matthew 6:25-27 flashed through my brain. I was arrested. Jesus has specifically told me not to worry about whether I'm going to eat. I have always had food, so I have brushed past his words, assuming they didn't apply to me. But these verses are not about whether or not I have food to eat; they are about whether or not I have worry in my heart. And I do.
It is marvelous to be thrown on God's mercy, to recognize that I need him in the most elemental way, to rely on him consciously, and to see him provide. My heavenly Father knows my needs. He knows that I need to eat, and that in order to eat in Thailand I really need his help! What an unexpected adventure in trust.
And here is the thing. In spite of my worry, I have not gone without a single meal. I have eaten rather like a queen actually - green papaya salad, banana flower with pasta, tofu cilantro curry, pumpkin lemongrass curry, taco chicken pizza, cinnamon rolls, oreo milkshakes, and plenty of pad thai. I could go on! What a twisted thing it is to doubt the Giver of such lavish gifts. I should be overflowing with gratefulness. And running after his kingdom instead of my next meal.
"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matt 6:31-33)
No comments:
Post a Comment