orientation

Every year at the Partners retreat, there is a talent show. At a staff meeting, Sonya happily announced to me, and everybody else, that I would be putting something together for this year's show on behalf of the Mae Sot crew. This is what happens when you major in theatre.

So I wrote this musical, and the Mae Sot Partners staff performed it, to the great delight of our audience. There was dancing, there were stuffed animals, there was applause. And Sonya, who complained the loudest when I told her that the whole would be enlisted to help, later admitted that she wished she had a bigger part, and vowed that we do something similar next year!

PS. We got first place.

Partners Orientation

Setting:            Thailand

Characters:

KERRINE       Experienced Partners orientation official. All business.

HEIDI             New Partners employee. Overwhelmed, uncertain, in awe.

Pee on the Ground - Hunter, Kritsana, Marci, Hsar Paw

Eye of the Tiger - Say Boh, Matthew, Sonya, Hsar Paw, BST

Under Sarong - Marci, Nenana, Abby, Pranee, Say Boh

Mission Impossible - Pranee, BST, Sonya, Kritsana

KERRINE       (in sunglasses) Hello. You must be the new candidate for Partners initiation... I mean orientation. My name is Kerrine, and I'll be your orientation guide. First I'll just have you sign this waiver, and then we'll get started.

HEIDI             Waiver?

KERRINE       Yes. Standard stuff. (Reads) You understand that accepting a position with Partners means you may be put in unpleasant situations, including but not limited to falling off elephants, being forced to eat monkey poo, and being attacked by tigers. Oh, and you won't hold Partners responsible for any of it. Sign here.

HEIDI             Um. Okay. (Signs)

KERRINE       Great. (Folds waiver and pockets it) Moving on. I will be walking you through 5 orientation topics today. Essential, all of them. Item 1. Language. You will be given several months to focus on language study. Tip. The most useful thing you can learn is how to understand and accurately answer the question "Do you have a boyfriend?" in Thai, Burmese, Shan, Karen, Greek, and Yiddish.

HEIDI             Yiddish?

KERRINE       We're a Bible based organization.

HEIDI             Yosh.

KERRINE       That's actually Japanese, but who knows; it might come in handy. Now we get to the exciting stuff. Item 2. Babysitting your coworkers' children. This is part of every employee's job description. Fortunately, all the kids in question are outrageously cute. Parents of un-cute children aren't in fact allowed to work at Partners.

HEIDI             Sounds great. I love babysitting.

KERRINE       Your previous babysitting experience will be useful, but it will not have prepared you for diaperless child care in the jungle. Hit it.

PEE ON THE GROUND (to the tune of YMCA)

Young man, you're a jungle kid now, I said

Young man, there's no diapers around, you might

Think that you are careless and free. Don't assume that's the whole story.

Young man, listen closely to me, I will

Hold you out strategically, and you'll hear me

Start to say sh sh shuu, you can take that as your cue cause.....

We really want you to pee on the ground

We really want you to pee on the ground

Potty training's begun. You are never too young.

Have you ever had so much fun?

We really want you to pee on the ground

We really want you to pee on the ground

For as mommy well knows we don't have enough clothes

For a more laissez faire approach.

We really want you to pee on the ground

We really want you to pee on the ground

You can water the trees instead of our knees

And we promise to cheer so please

We really want you to pee on the ground

We really want you to pee on the ground

Young man, young man! There is no backup plan.

I sure hope that you understand.

KERRINE       You'll need to learn this song and sing it to all Partners children under age 2 as the opportunity arises. And bring wet wipes.

HEIDI             Got it.

KERRINE       Marvelous. Item 3. Hiking. You will need significant physical prowess to make it up and down the mountains inside Burma.

HEIDI             Oh I think I heard about this. Don't we have to carry 40 pound backpacks up a 6 hour vertical sprint in Chaing Mai before we're allowed to go on one of those trips?

KERRINE       Uh, no. That's not us. We just walk around the block a few times before we go and pray a lot when we get there.

HEIDI             Sounds like it could be pretty rough.

KERRINE       It depends on the person. (To the hikers.) Ready, guys?

EYE OF THE TIGER

(Partners people slogging painfully across the stage with small backpacks, and Seh Boh running blithely past with three bags and a kid on his shoulders, shaking his head woefully at everybody else.)

HEIDI             Is that really what it's like?

KERRINE       Yes. Item 4. Bathing.

HEIDI             That doesn't sound too hard.

KERRINE       Let me expound. Bathing. In a river. Wearing a sarong.

HEIDI             With people watching?

KERRINE       Usually.

HEIDI             Does the sarong ever fall off?

KERRINE       Sometimes.

HEIDI             Then what happens?

KERRINE       The audience gets bigger.

UNDER SARONG (to the tune of UNDER THE SEA)

Imagine you hike for hours

The mud in your shoes goes squish

You're covered in sweat and jungle

You smell like a rotten fish

But there on the far horizon

The promise of washing up

You pictured a bath or shower

You get something much more fun

Wah Oh -

Under sarong. Under sarong.

Out in the open, where the whole world can join in your song

Smile at the water buffalo while you are scrubbing at your toes

Yeah! It's amazing. Gotta love bathing...

Under sarong.

It don't hurt to have a lesson

On shower sarong technique

They like to conspire against you

To fall down and leave you - eeeek!

But there is a good solution

To prevent embarrassment

Before you attempt the river

Install strong elastic bands

Wah Oh -

Under sarong. Under sarong.

You will smell better, and you will get your chance to cool down!

Under the sunshine or the moon, humming this catchy little tune

You'll want to live here, down in the river

Under sarong.

HEIDI             Sounds like that could actually be really fun. Especially with elastic.

KERRINE       Indeed. Moving on to our last and most important topic of the day... Item 5: Sneaking. Sometimes our border crossings are best kept under cover. Do you have any experience working with the CIA?

HEIDI             No.

KERRINE       Do you watch a lot of spy action movies?

HEIDI             No.

KERRINE       Hm. Did you play dress-up and hide-and-seek as a child?

HEIDI             Yes!

KERRINE       Excellent. Then you'll be fine.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

(Sneakers come out in their garb and get from one side of the stage to the other very sneakily. They mime hiding behind trees, ducking in a boat, and crawling under things. Dramatically.)

HEIDI             Wow.

KERRINE       I would have to agree.

HEIDI             I guess I didn't realize when I joined Partners that it would be quite this... involved.

KERRINE       That's what they all say. But you're not freaking out are you? You'll stay?

HEIDI             Yosh.

KERRINE       Great. Congratulations. It's official. You're in. (bestows HEIDI with sunglasses and shakes her hand)