uncomfortable

Lately, I have allowed myself to lean into the notion that an active spiritual life is simply too hard. It's hard to submit, hard to sacrifice, hard to obey. Being pushed outside my comfort zone is, well, uncomfortable. Growing is painful, and because it appears optional, I am inclined to opt out.

Can I please just cruise along in neutral? Can I, for a little while, not be challenged by the presence of outragious injustice? Can I not be required to empathize with suffering patients? Can I not be molded like that obstinate lump of clay on the potter's wheel? I wouldn't mind spinning along in blob form for a bit.

I'm tired. Yes.

I am learning that two other things are yes as well.

First, God the Potter is also God the Shepherd, and he promises to lead me beside quiet waters. The solution to being tired is not to run from him, but to rest in him. He is the one who calls out, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yolk upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29) It is he who promises, "A bruised reed I will not break, a smoldering candle I will not snuff out." (Isaiah 42:3) Oh, have mercy on me, Papa, and keep me burning.

A week ago Sunday, a few of us hung around after house church. Conversations segued spontaenously back into song. A keyboard, a guitar, a drum box, a banjo, and a collection of varied worshipers. I could have stayed there all week. "There is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole."

Second, spiritual growth may be optional (a different discussion entirely), but spiritual warfare is not. There is a battle going on for the hostage souls of mankind, and our enemy is not likely to take a holiday just because I want one. My faith isn't a personality improvement program - a subscription I can cancel when the bill gets too high. It is a lifeline, the aorta connecting me to the heart of Jesus Christ. Without that, I would be well and truly dead. And aside from the obvious drawback of being lifeless themselves, dead soldiers aren't much use in a fight.

I have been helping Jude, a new volunteer, to set things up for living in Mae Sot. She found a rental place for cheap because no Thai were interested in living there. Most Thai's believe in ghosts, and the previous renter had died of a drug overdose in the house. At the office, everyone congratulated Jude on her good find. Then, the first night that she spent in that house, she felt the presence of something evil. She couldn't sleep for the nightmares. So before she spent another night there, she explained her concern to me. We agreed that, from all appearances, an evil spirit had made itself at home in her house, and it needed to be cast out it in Jesus' name. I was out of town the next day, but everyone who was still in the office went together to the house with Jude and prayed. The team said they all felt the evil when they came into the house, and they all felt that it was gone after they had claimed the space for the Lord.

So it comes to this. Can I clock out spiritually for a long lunch just because I'm tired? Another yes, but it would be a banally stupid move.

Excuse myself from the presence of the One who holds the only real refreshment for my soul? Not a good idea. Strip off my armor while I'm standing on the front lines? I don't think so.

I hear Jesus asking me, "Many have left me when things got uncomfortable. You don't want to leave too, do you?" And I say with Peter, "Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life." I will stay with you.